A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
Oh David. What were you thinking?
I was sashaying through 2 Samuel last night and there I was….right smack dab in chapter 11. Do you remember, David? It was a pretty big deal because even the chapter starts out, “Then it happened in spring…” Oh, D…what have you done…..
First of all…..why weren’t you at the battle? Kings battle. That’s what they do. Mistake number one….then we are barely stepping inside the second verse and you are scoping out the neighbors! All the men are out to battle and Bathsheba (seriously? her name starts with ‘bath’?) anywho….the men are gone and this woman decides to take a little bath on her roof. Now, I don’t know what the plumbing facilities were like back in the day, but the tub is on the roof, so that is where we find her. She is obviously planning on washing her hair or otherwise she would have been wearing one of those horrid shower caps and he would have gagged and gone back inside.
But no. She was gorgeous and about to smell really good. And D is outside getting a good look. SHAME! By the beginning of verse 4 he is already…..well, you know……and in the middle of the verse she has to go take another bath to ‘purify’ herself and before the end of that same verse she is headed back home. A LOT took place in ONE verse!
Oh, David…it only took one more verse for her to find out she was pregnant. Seriously, David? Did you not think about that? It happens, you know. So now you call your buddy and ask him to go get her husband! Think about it, David! I hear the hissssss of a snake…..and he is pleased.
So, her man, her husband, her groom…Uriah, comes as he was told. I’m imagining you, David, mixing the cocktails and just totally checking him out. You’re making small talk and asking, “Oh, hey….how’s the war coming?” Uriah is probably a little confused as to why you brought him to your home, but he answers you politely. Then you tell him to go wash his feet. Wow. Can you possibly make him feel smaller? “Oh, Uriah, here’s your drink but….could you go wash those kicks of yours? They’re kinda nasty.”
You wanted him to go sleep with his wife so he would think the child was his. But he didn’t, did he, David? So you decided that you would get him trashed and then maybe he would go to bed with his wife. But he didn’t do that either, did he? (hissssss)
So now you send him to the front lines of battle. (hissssss)
You knew he would be killed didn’t you? (hisssssssss) The hissing is getting louder, isn’t it David? And he did get killed didn’t he? (hisssssssssssss)