how to have ‘grace’ in a crowded airplane…

Ok, we’ve all been there.  Most everyone in the farthest reaches of my voice (or word)  has flown on an airplane.  I don’t particularly care for flying, but it does beat riding in the car for hours with someone like me.  So, in our particular case, we are frequent flyers and this keeps our marriage happy.

But here’s the deal.  There are SILENT RULES for the sky.  They are in no particular order because one does not take precedence over another.  They are all equally important and we need to pay close attention…

  1. The armrest is not necessarily there for your arms.  It is a boundary….a border….think of it as a guideline for where your personal space should be.  DO NOT cross the boundary.  No one wants body contact during flight, except possibly your significant other, but even then you might want to ask first. And if you don’t know your seat-mate, you must NEVER, EVER raise the armrest.  Fact.
  2. Forgot to eat?  I don’t care if you have not had a morsel of food since last Tuesday, this does NOT give you the right to bring your personal pan pizza to my morning flight.  I do not want to smell your parmesan cheese nor do I want my hair to smell like old pepperoni.  Please eat your nasty airport food PRIOR to the flight.  (if you do bring something on board, please be considerate of others and leave the pork rinds and corn nuts at home.)
  3. I did not get on the flight to make new buddies.  Let’s use discernment here.  Do I look like I want to discuss politics?  If your conversation seems to be “one-way”, take the hint.  And if my eyes are closed, don’t tap me to look out the window at the funny cloud.
  4. Small bladder?  Totally understandable, however, here’s a thought.  How about an aisle seat?  When your seat-mate is napping, he might not find it so adorable to be woken up a dozen times to accommodate your bladder.   Plan accordingly.
  5. I’m sorry, did the airline hire you to be our flight DJ?  No?  Then turn down your iPod so I don’t have to hear a buzzing sound emitting from your ears.  I don’t particularly care for rap music, but thanks anyway.
  6. Have you noticed that the airplane uses the same air….it just re-circulates?  With this in mind, I have another good option.  It’s called deodorant.  Use it.  Don’t try to cover it up with perfume.  Most of us who can afford an airplane ticket, have the wealth to have a bathroom with a shower or tub.  Why don’t we use that before the flight?  Hmm?  These are tight quarters, people.
  7. Just because your adorable child has found a way to amuse himself doesn’t mean that he is being cute.  When junior kicks the back of the seat or throws his tantrum it can be a teeny bit annoying.  I understand that mom is downing her vodka tonics and doesn’t want to interrupt juniors entertainment, but hitting and kicking the back of the chair is a big NO NO.  This is why God invented Benadryl.

These are but a few important rules for all airplane etiquette.  Since I had posted rules on visiting family during the holidays, I felt it to be most imperative that we learn how to be graceful on a crowded airplane.

You are now free to move about the cabin.