2022 marks the 19th year of my son’s passing.
How is it that 19 years seems like eternity and yesterday all at the same time??
Sometimes I try to imagine what he would be like at age 35, but I don’t stay there long because those thoughts can lead me down a long, dark tunnel wondering all the why questions and turning my spirit inward.
Instead, I thank God that he is whole in heaven! He’s not hidden away somewhere so Covid can’t touch him. He’s not in pain or restrained in his wheelchair. NO! He’s running! He’s dancing! He’s able to see and eat the most glorious food imaginable AND … he’s in the presence of Jesus.
This is how I am able to put one foot in front of the other.
This is how I am able to stand firm in my faith knowing I will see him again.
So what did this little guy teach me in the 15 1/2 years he was mine? Much….
First of all, Clay was blind. He couldn’t see the color of anyone’s skin, he listened to their voice and you could easily see in his expression who made the cut and who didn’t. To Clay, color doesn’t matter.
Secondly, Clay was confined to his wheelchair. In this he taught me patience. He didn’t know how to change his position in his chair so I became aware of the time he spent sitting and would either shift him to a new position, or perhaps lay him in his bed. I feel like I’m constantly moving, shifting my weight … never quite sitting still, so during the night I would get up many times to turn him so he wouldn’t be sore.
Thirdly, Clay taught be about total dependence. Where Clay relied on total dependence on me, I have learned to have total dependence on God. Clay entrusted me to carry him from one place to another and God has carried me the same way. I cannot imagine those years without the love of Jesus holding me tight … giving me strength … showing me how to care for this child that had faith in me, his mother.
Other things I learned along the way was that some (most) things Just. Don’t. Matter. But knowing that I matter to my Creator is all I need.
Psalm 91:1 says that ‘those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”
I miss my son completely, but my faith in the One True God has never wavered. I find rest in Him.