A doctors appointment is not my idea of a fun day. There is so much to do to prepare! Shave your legs (although the doctor never checks that) brush your teeth, again, because the generally do look in your mouth and be sure that you can remember every little symptom because once you walk into that office….you get a brain fart and can’t remember all the appropriate details. Ok, maybe I’m the only one that can’t remember the details….which reminds me…..maybe I need a little ‘early alzheimers’ test.
I remember growing up that the doctor appointment was SUCH a big deal! My mother would dress us…..in a dress….with our perfect, shiny patent shoes and our hair was brushed just so. We looked like we were going to church! Now days I wear an outfit that doesn’t weigh anything because the first thing they do is check your weight. When I go to the doctor I’m wearing very light workout pants, an airy top and flip flops. I remove the flip flops and place my 20lb handbag on the floor. Then I usually tell the assistant that I’m wearing two coats of mascara so that is why the scale shows a gain. I can’t wait for the day when I’m in their office and I’m just so little that I can hang from a charm bracelet. They will look at me and say, “Oh, Mrs. Nieto! You’ve lost sooo much weight!” I’m hoping that they will say this in their loudest voice so the people in the waiting room can hear. She’ll ask me what I’ve been eating and I’ll tell her “Oh, I eat anything I want!” HA! In reality, in the previous 24 hours I will have consumed scraped crumbs from burned toast, a boiled out stain from a tablecloth and just the aroma of a custard pie plate. I’m so sly…..
My LAST appointment was not something that I like to remember but it was so bizarre that I just have to share. It was the dreaded GYN appt. Since this was a new doctor I thought I would please my mother by wearing a skirt, adorable sweater set and a pair of heels. Oh, I looked sharp. He was going to be so very impressed.
After filling out all the forms the doctors assistant called my name. I smiled because I knew how cute I looked. We went to the doctors actual office and I waited in a chair in front of his desk. He came in smiling (why wouldn’t he?) and we began talk about my “condition”. Ok….I’ll just say it. It seems that my bladder was dangling. Ladies, you will KNOW if this happens to you so don’t worry. I felt as if I were about to expel a 13lb baby. So after looking at hundreds of pictures of patients whose bladder actually DID fall out………..well, I wasn’t really smiling anymore. First of all, why the heck was he showing me these pictures? This was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen!! I was totally in another dimension and could barely hear him babbling about these dangling bladders.
He led me into the exam room, looked me up and down and said, “Well, you can leave your skirt and shoes on….just hop up on the table”. Ok. Let’s stop here for a moment. Most NORMAL, FUNCTIONING women would have said, “Oh, I don’t think so.” Obviously I’m not a normal, functioning woman. HEY, I WAS DISTRACTED BY THE BLADDERS!!! So, he and the nurse were in the room and like the Stepford wife that I was….I dropped the panties and crawled up on the table. He now is saying the dreaded words, “Scoot down some more…..more……little bit more…” SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME SUDDENLY WOKE UP!! “WHAT? Why am I laying on this table in a SKIRT hiked up to my neck, no less, and with my HIGH HEELED SHOES in the stirrups!!!” Am I a part of his wildest fantasy? Did he see that he had distracted me with pictures of bladders? Did I have that blank look on my face and he took advantage??” Oh sweet Jesus, please come now! This would be a great time for the Rapture to take place. But it didn’t. I was in lock-down in those beastly stirrups.
I can’t bring myself to talk about the rest of the appointment. Short story long………I had surgery to boost that puppy back inside. That was last April.
I have another appointment today. Things in the orbit have shifted. Somethings going on down there in my under-carriage. I am petrified of this rendezvous. Why is the question, “What do I wear?” keep popping in my head? Well………….we’ll see…………I’ll keep you posted….or not………